Christian's Awakening

Christian's Awakening

Christian:

Hello Kim.

I am 32 years old. I have been trying to figure out the I illusion for at least 15 years. Never went past an intellectual understanding, though. As suffering increased and drove me almost to suicide I eventually started to meditate I think 2-3 years ago. Breath meditation (The Mind Illuminated), one Goenka retreat and Finders Course by Jeffrey Martin (18 weeks all sorts of practices like self-inquiry, noting, mantra, body scan etc.). At times I sat for 4 hours or more a day and although I saw positive changes (e.g. becoming able to rest in awareness for periods), suffering continued. So much that I started to lose hope in this whole spirituality business. Then I found your 2PF and for the first time in my life there is a big decrease in suffering! I can't say how grateful I am for what you are doing.

I have read through your book Awake! and practiced your Two-Part Formula (2PF) for 3 or 4 days. Yesterday evening I had a subtle shift and ever since then, no matter how often I say I, I, I, Me, Me, Me, it doesn’t bring up this sense of me anymore. Before that shift this special sense of “Christian” behind the eyes came up pretty much immeditately. Now it just doesn’t attach to anything and “I” immediately go back to this simple, clear space.

This change is so subtle and there are still a lot of self-referential thoughts coming up, though. Like “I am soo happy that there finally was a shift”, but if I inquire “who or what is this I that is happy?” nothing comes up anymore.

I don’t really feel special or one with everything either. There is still this impression that here is someone who is experiencing everything, but when I take a look or inquire then no sense of me comes up anymore.

Has awakening happened for me? Should I write a bit more about the shift, or the changes before and after? Should I perhaps send you a photo? Or should I simply give it more time? I would really appreciate your feedback!

Best regards.

Kim:

Hi Christian.

Wait until tomorrow to get a little more taste of it. I am quite sure this is it, as you make it clear that it doesn't stick and that there has been a change . Tomorrow, write me a description of the change and include a photo for analysis. It would be nice to read a litte narration of your path/search up until this point, how you found 2PF, what practices you did before, with some interesting details etc.

Christian:

I'm very busy with work right now, so I'll just briefly describe the change and I also have attached a picture of me from today.

After a couple of days with the 2PF I was able to observe the I and bring up this distinct feeling of a "me behind the eyes" very easily.

Two days ago, during my evening meditation a shift occured and ever since then, no matter how hard I try, I cannot bring up this feeling of me anymore. The funny thing is, now after only a couple of days I cannot even remember what this "me behind the eyes" felt like.

Everything has become calmer, clearer, more relaxed. The shift was so subtle, yet the two days since the shift have been just amazing. I am filled with so much gratitude right now...

Still, as I already mentioned yesterday, there are a lot of self-referential thoughts. My mind is actually quite active. And there is also no feeling of oneness. It still kind of feels like there is someone experiencing all of this. This feeling only stays for a few seconds at most, though. And as I said, when I look for a separate self, there is only clear, ordinary space.

Perhaps this is just a case of wrong expectations?

Anyway, I can't wait for your feedback! If this really was awakening, then I'll gladly write more about my path, former practices etc.

Kim:

Yes, that's it. Simple as that. Congrats!

It varies greatly how easily "me behind the eyes" dissolves. Some people are at it for weeks, some for half an hour. Nevertheless, the result is the same, what in Open Heart we call opening of the 1st bhumi.

>My mind is actually quite active. And there is also no feeling of oneness. It still kind of feels like there is someone experiencing all of this.

The mind can be active, thoughts and emotions, but the experience of them is noticeably different, as you can see, because the I that they attach to, is gone. Yup, no oneness, haha. I don't know if you are familiar with buddhism but this is what selflessness or emptiness means. With awakening, or insight meditation, one begins to see and experience this selfless, me-less, mind. Everyone has it but it goes unnoticed because the habit patterns are so strong. That last sentence, "kind of feels like there is someone experiencing all of this". Now that the small self, to a degree, has been deconstructed, the real self, without an entity, comes about. If you feel into it, can you see how it has been there all along? That, this me-less mind is actually the real you? In dzogchen teachings, we say that awareness cognizes itself, that it is self-cognizant. There is no "me" doing it but our basic awareness, see, feels, thinks and so on. It is not impersonal but very personal, the way I see it.

Congrats again.