Christine's
Account
of Stabilising the Natural State
Without Tantra
Without Tantra
In
May of 2019, I was contacted by Christine from Canada, who told me of
her positive experiences with some core Pemako Buddhist-practices that she
had learned through the internet. She was quite confident that she had in fact opened all
of her 13 bhumis as taught in Open
Heart Bhumi Model. She sent me a photo for bhumi analysis that I
used to verify that her analysis was correct.
Christine's
case is a historic one because she is the first person who got this
far with Pemako Buddhist-practices without
any tantric empowerments.
She, no less than, stabilized natural state or knowing
awareness
(tib. rigpa) as her default mode of being. I have waited for a while
to get a message like her's. All of our core practices have been
openly available through the internet for a few years now, so anyone
can and could use them for their benefit. Find more written accounts
by practitioners from What's
Next? On Post-Awakening Practice.
-Kim
Katami, 11.7.2019
Pemako Buddhist Sangha,www.pemakobuddhism.com
Find
Christine's first post here:
Christine's
Account
I
am 48 years old, single and work as a lab tech in a hospital lab.
About fifteen years ago, the stresses of the job, plus having to work
with some "difficult" people led me to look into meditation
as a way to cope, as well as to help get rid of the anxiety I
have suffered with for most of my life. I took a one-day introductory
class in meditation taught by a former Theravadan monk who introduced
the class to basic mindfulness of the breath. From this experience I
tried to develop a daily practice with limited success. Fortunately,
the teacher gave us a list of local resources in our area to help us
continue our practice, primarily there was insight meditation society
that sponsored teachers from around North America to come teach at
monthly weekend non-residential retreats. I started to attend these
and had exposure to a variety of Theravadan Vipassana teachers. I
learned a lot about Buddha’s teaching, and mindfulness practices at
this time, but was still trying to establish a consistent meditation
practice and was still struggling with the stress and anxiety in my
life.
I
also started to attend about two residential retreats (one to two
weeks in length) per year. I found that these residential retreats
really boosted my meditation practice. Yet, despite being able to
sustain my concentration on the breath and experienced states of calm
and tranquillity, as soon as I was off the cushion or returned home
from a retreat I went back to normal, the stress and anxiety came
back and even though I tried to maintain mindfulness in my daily
activities once things got rough or I was triggered I went back to my
reactive self.
My
teachers did often talk about enlightenment as the ultimate goal of
the practice, it wasn't clear how mindfulness led to that nor where
the insight part of fit in. They also made it seem as though
enlightenment was some far-off thing to happen in another life or if
you became a monastic. I was still waiting to see a reduction in the
suffering I experience, or have some hope of this ever happening.
Something
changed in May of 2015, a day before the end of a two-week retreat, I
was attending. In the middle of the night I experienced, which in
hindsight I realized was crossing the Arising and Passing. This is a
threshold moment in the Theravadan progress of the insight path which
leads to the dukkha nanas (dark night) and potentially stream entry.
I was fortunate that I had an interview with one of the assistant
teachers the next day as I described my experience to her, she became
very happy for me and said that this was a good thing and had
something to do with the “progress of insight”. This was all she
would say. Leaving the interview, I was rather confused and when I
tried to continue the practice schedule my sits were plagued by
restlessness and irritability. Before the retreat ended on the last
day, I was able to get an interview with the primary teacher and as I
described my experience again the teacher said she wouldn't confirm
or deny whether anything significant had happened nor elaborate on
the progress of insight the other teacher mentioned.
I
left the retreat confused and frustrated, and I fell into a
full-blown dark night, it was rough and I had no idea what was going
on. I was highly irritable, had bouts of anxiety and depression, I
was a mess. As I was going through this, I remember what the
assistant teacher said about the “Progress of Insight”. This led
me to an internet search where I came across Dharma
Overground-discussion forum.
This
site was a lifesaver for me, I was able to understand why I felt the
way I did and suggested the best practice to do to find my way out of
it by reaching stream entry. With this knowledge I practice with
great determination and intensity and was able to reach stream entry
by August 2015. I continued doing this practice, known as Mahasi
Sayadaw noting and the following May in 2016 I reached what was
called second path in the Theravadan map. Though I had noticed
definitive changes in my sense of self, the way I perceived the world
and was better able to deal with stressors, I knew I had more work to
do.
I
again continued with this practice with the aim of reaching third
path, but over time I found that it wasn't really working for me
anymore. The intense noting often left me tense, very irritable and
more sensitive to external stimuli. I was constantly cycling in and
out of the dark night, although it was never as bad as my initial
experience with it, it never seemed to lead anywhere. This also
created a lot of striving, efforting and comparing, which I felt was
not conducive to good practice. I tried switching to a broader
awareness but this often led to dullness, and sleepiness. I read
several books on different practice techniques, some felt overly
conceptual or analytical, or too hard for me to get into and none
that I really enjoyed doing.
I
was still frequenting the Dharma Overground-website and noticed a
number of posts by Kim Katami about Pemako Buddhist-teachings. I checked
out the website and read his first book "Awake!
Handbook to Awakening."
I was hesitant at first because it mentioned Guru Yoga and Dzogchen
practices which I was unfamiliar with.
In
October 2018, I had a week long self-retreat (with no teacher) coming
up. Just the previous month, Kim Katami had released his second book,
"What's
Next? On Post-Awakening Practice".
Intrigued, I downloaded and read it, I liked what it had to say. I
noticed the website had a link to a YouTube channel so I used some of
those guided
practices
on my retreat.
I
really enjoyed these practices and when I came home, I meditated
daily using the guided mediations from the PemakoBuddhism.com-channel at
YouTube. Primarily the “Introduction to Open Heart Yoga: Guided
Practice” and the “Dynamic Concentration: Buddha, Dharma,
Sangha”, as well as a number of other guided mediations to add some
variety to my practice. I found that, compared to my previous
mediation practices they were more relaxed, I didn’t suffer from
dullness and sleepiness, and didn’t lead to irritability. I also
felt like there was much less striving and efforting, it was though I
could just listen to the guidances and the practice does itself.
I
also like the idea that you can check for your own bhumi openings.
At first, I wasn’t able to do this myself, but the more I did the
practice the more I was able to notice subtle energies and tensions
in my body. I believe I was able to detect the opening of the 5th
bhumi, and I was more certain about the 6th. I noticed
cycles between bhumis openings were there would be a build up of
tension or pressure, then dark night and then I would often see a
bright light and feeling of euphoria as the bhumi opens, with the
subtle euphoria lasting a few days then it would repeat. I was
detecting steady bhumi openings about 2-3 weeks apart. This increased
my confidence in the practice, and as these openings occurred, I also
noticed changes in myself. I was becoming more resilient to stress
and less reactive to triggers. I became less concerned about what
others thought about me (I have always been very self-conscious) and
less prone to overthinking everything, as well as a general reduction
in social anxiety and my general ‘day to day’ anxiety (yes, I had
a lot of anxiety).
In
May 2019, I had another week long self-retreat coming up and I had
opened the 10th bhumi a few weeks prior. Again, I had my
mobile phone along with the PemakoBuddhism.com -YouTube-channel bookmarked,
so I could listen to the guided practices. A few days into the
retreat I woke up at night with some intense fear, a fear of losing
my "self", a fear that I would disappear or die. I
struggled against this fear telling myself that it will be okay. Then
something shifted. I felt bliss and an incredible sense of peace,
aliveness and clarity. The natural state seemed easily accessible as
though it had become a default state. I eventually fell asleep, and
when I awoke in the morning these experiences persisted. I checked my
bhumis and it felt like I had opened my 11th, the first
mahasiddha bhumi. The 12th and 13th bhumi
openings followed not long afterward and I was starting to get used
to and appreciating my new baseline experience.
Now
I have a more spacious awareness at all sense doors, and a feeling
that there are no boundaries between my physical body and what is
around me, like there is no separation between me and what I am
observing. Before Pemako-practices I only had brief glimpses of
this. Also prior to Pemako Buddhism, I used to be identified with my
thoughts and emotions, be attached to views, and continued to have
bouts of anxiety, but that has eased considerably. Along with access
to the natural state there is a sense of stillness and bliss that I
can easily tap into. I also found that at work, even though we are
currently understaffed, I am much better able to handle the pressure
which would normally make me feel overwhelmed. I think my coworkers
are starting to notice this too.
Knowing
that bhumi openings were not the end of the line, that I still needed
to perfect them, I decided to learn Rainbow Body Yoga. I had the first empowerment in June 2019, and am
really enjoying the new meditation techniques.
Update 8/2020: The shifts I experienced are stable, the natural state still feels readily available and the improvements to my mental health have persisted, such as the reduction in anxiety. I also feel that this is deepening as I continue to practice.
Update 8/2020: The shifts I experienced are stable, the natural state still feels readily available and the improvements to my mental health have persisted, such as the reduction in anxiety. I also feel that this is deepening as I continue to practice.
-Christine
