How I Had Sex with Hookers,
Broke My Vows and
Hurt Everyone's Feelings
Related reading published previously in this blog:
Culadasa John Yates: Sutrayana ”doesn't go far enough”.
The following piece of dialogue is copied from DharmaOverground-forum.
*
Kim: Recently, I've been wondering how this case is developing. I have wondered how Culadasa is holding up, whether anyone is still studying with him and whether anyone is reading his book anymore. His book was like the Bible in these circles until the allegations came out but now no one mentions it anymore.
Linda: He has started to do youtube videos again, at least, and he has viewers and people asking him questions.
Kim: He makes an interesting comment, at 12:18, here about recent events, particularly, having been very disappointed to his long term students recently.
https://youtu.be/YfRp9cMPSNk?t=662
Him saying that his long term students were immature + what we know of the whole thing, have given me the impression that this case doesn't fall under the category of "misconduct". It might be the case that he is still preparing a statement, possibly with a lawyer, or that he won't make public comments beyond that. I hope he would for cleaning the air but as I said it never seemed to me that it was such a big deal and that firing him seemed hasty of the group/board. I guess Culadasa refers to the immaturity of his old students because they weren't able to accept and see the events plainly. Also, having seen almost no enthusiasm about The Mind Illuminated in the internet since the news broke out, to me, seems another sign of immaturity of the larger community. Also, he seems to have lost weight and in overall doesn't look too healthy. These must have been very stressful times for him and those closely associated, incl. Nancy Yates.
It's a lot of guesses, impressions and if's but despite of everything I wish everyone involved much peace and clarity.
Linda: Oh, that's an entirely different interpretation. Interesting.
Personally I wouldn't want to work closely to someone who is completely unwilling to be compassionate about other people's perspectives. It doesn't matter how accomplished they are and how helpful their teachings are. I mean, I can still read their work and listen to their teachings selectively, but I wouldn't want them as my personal teacher. Obviously he is not the only one who is disappointed. He didn't mention that other side of the coin with one single word, but positioned himself as the victim. I don't know the exact circumstances about what happened, and sure, some reactions from some people who weren't directly concerned were probably over the top, but if he is concerned about seeing things plainly it might be a good idea for him to just accept that actions have consequences even for advanced meditators. And maybe, just maybe, people aren't immaturely losing faith in the dharma, but are in fact realizing that they just don't like dealing closely with people who lie to their close ones and then feel sorry for themselves and go all martyr about it when shit hits the fan.
Kim:
Culadasa has apologized
for the harm so he is not without compassion or unable to understand
other's feelings. He barely mentioned the topic very briefly in
passing. This is not a comprehensive statement in any way, so I don't
find it problematic at all that he didn't mention others more than he
did. You know Linda, we still don't know the specs and we may never
will but from what we know, I don't see erratic, abusive behaviour
anywhere. Yet, he was kicked out from his position etc etc. I don't
know any of these people and even if Daniel Ingram vouched (or
something like that) for the board or some key memebers of the
community, maybe they interpreted the situation in black and white
fashion, lost larger perspective and crushed him. Considering what he
has done for them, I can understand why he would feel like a victim.
I am a teacher myself and head teacher of the sangha that I have founded. I talk openly about sex, sexuality, sexual desire, porn, addiction and related things because they are part of everyone's life. I even make erotic art (among calligraphy and abstract expressionistic painting) and display it in the internet. By doing so I hope to disperse some really stubborn and harmful taboos that exist in dharma. I also teach tantric deity-related practices to transform sexual desire and possible addicitons (of any kind). I do not know if Culadasa has spoken about sexuality related matters as openly as I have. If he hasn't, like most dharma teachers, all this sex-stuff explodes on everyone's face in uncomfortable manner. Talking about "desire" and overcoming them in overall manner is not good enough.
(Imagined prospect starts)
If I put myself in Culadasa's place, how I imagine what might have happened, I find myself sexually very frustrated due to lack of sexual activity in marriage. Also, I've had much hardship due to long lasting illness which takes away joy in life. For people who have never been properly ill, they can't understand how it is to live without joy. Also, I am still virile enough to have and enjoy sex (possibly without opportunity to do it with my wife). In that case, like him, I would seek the company of professionals. I understand that it might hurt my spouse but what can I do? I am not celibate, nor wish to abstain from sex for the years I have left. Am I going to watch porn and masturbate until I keel over? No, after this long illness and long life lived, that doesn't seem like an option that would make me feel good about my life. So, I find prostitutes, pay for their services and get at least some sexual satisfaction, even if it isn't intimate and emotionally connected.
Some time after I've gone to prostitutes, even made friends with them and gave money to support them, my students and wife finds out I've been doing this. Maybe they can't see my actions from my perspective and are unable to see my actions from the human perspective. I am accused of adultery, suspicious use of money and having broken my buddhist vows. I am seen as immoral and immature as a practitioner. People who I have helped, supported and guided, even provided, now condemn and excommunicate me. OK... I just wanted to enjoy life and have sex, and now this has happened. I understand people feel hurt and cheated but I am a human being, with human biology, needs and desires, that despite of life long practice I have not been able to overcome. People who I know well and who I have loved, reject me, and I am left alone by people close to me.
(Imagined prospect ends)
Now, if I really did that and was condemded for these actions, being the person and teacher who I am, knowing how much I have done for my students, I would tear them new assholes. If my humanity as a teacher was ignored due to spiritual fantasies and ideals, I would let my critisizers know exactly where they belong. From this point of view, based on my imagination, I can appreciate Culadasa's moderate comment how he has been treated. His demeanor reveals as much as his words do. I can assure you, my comment wouldn't have been as moderate.
However, as I said, I've talked about these things openly and because of this I doubt my students would treat me the way Culadasa's students have treated him. I have made it perfectly clear that despite of spiritual advancement, I am still a samsaric being and me, like all samsaric beings, make mistakes and are not perfect. Also, in Open Heart-style of dharma practice, we don't have vows other than Bodhisattva Vows. We are tantrics, not sutrics, and view and do things differently.
I am a teacher myself and head teacher of the sangha that I have founded. I talk openly about sex, sexuality, sexual desire, porn, addiction and related things because they are part of everyone's life. I even make erotic art (among calligraphy and abstract expressionistic painting) and display it in the internet. By doing so I hope to disperse some really stubborn and harmful taboos that exist in dharma. I also teach tantric deity-related practices to transform sexual desire and possible addicitons (of any kind). I do not know if Culadasa has spoken about sexuality related matters as openly as I have. If he hasn't, like most dharma teachers, all this sex-stuff explodes on everyone's face in uncomfortable manner. Talking about "desire" and overcoming them in overall manner is not good enough.
(Imagined prospect starts)
If I put myself in Culadasa's place, how I imagine what might have happened, I find myself sexually very frustrated due to lack of sexual activity in marriage. Also, I've had much hardship due to long lasting illness which takes away joy in life. For people who have never been properly ill, they can't understand how it is to live without joy. Also, I am still virile enough to have and enjoy sex (possibly without opportunity to do it with my wife). In that case, like him, I would seek the company of professionals. I understand that it might hurt my spouse but what can I do? I am not celibate, nor wish to abstain from sex for the years I have left. Am I going to watch porn and masturbate until I keel over? No, after this long illness and long life lived, that doesn't seem like an option that would make me feel good about my life. So, I find prostitutes, pay for their services and get at least some sexual satisfaction, even if it isn't intimate and emotionally connected.
Some time after I've gone to prostitutes, even made friends with them and gave money to support them, my students and wife finds out I've been doing this. Maybe they can't see my actions from my perspective and are unable to see my actions from the human perspective. I am accused of adultery, suspicious use of money and having broken my buddhist vows. I am seen as immoral and immature as a practitioner. People who I have helped, supported and guided, even provided, now condemn and excommunicate me. OK... I just wanted to enjoy life and have sex, and now this has happened. I understand people feel hurt and cheated but I am a human being, with human biology, needs and desires, that despite of life long practice I have not been able to overcome. People who I know well and who I have loved, reject me, and I am left alone by people close to me.
(Imagined prospect ends)
Now, if I really did that and was condemded for these actions, being the person and teacher who I am, knowing how much I have done for my students, I would tear them new assholes. If my humanity as a teacher was ignored due to spiritual fantasies and ideals, I would let my critisizers know exactly where they belong. From this point of view, based on my imagination, I can appreciate Culadasa's moderate comment how he has been treated. His demeanor reveals as much as his words do. I can assure you, my comment wouldn't have been as moderate.
However, as I said, I've talked about these things openly and because of this I doubt my students would treat me the way Culadasa's students have treated him. I have made it perfectly clear that despite of spiritual advancement, I am still a samsaric being and me, like all samsaric beings, make mistakes and are not perfect. Also, in Open Heart-style of dharma practice, we don't have vows other than Bodhisattva Vows. We are tantrics, not sutrics, and view and do things differently.
*
Open
Heart Sangha,
