About friendship and boundaries in dharma

 

About friendship and boundaries in dharma

>Not as a student lecturing his teacher but as a Dharma friend sharing his observations to a Dharma friend.

-This is going to be long and winding... The word friendship gets used a lot nowadays but I think the concept of friendship has lost a lot of its depth and meaning. When people start to practice guru yoga and are trying to figure out what it is, who this guru is and so on, I always tell them to look at it as if they were getting to know a new person. It makes sense in the context of guru yoga too that it takes time to know the guru, not to even mention developing trust and faith. A friendship does not develop overnight but in my experience takes years and many shared experiences to build it on. This is one big reason why online sanghas and online dharma is so problematic because people don't even meet physically. Basically, you don't get to know a person through online exchange.

I've been blinded by my own western democratic conditioning and it has made my life and my work a lot more difficult that it could have been. Through many years of inventing "pragmatic tantra" I've learned that some principles of pragmatic dharma (as defined by Ingram and others) cannot be applied to tantra and just makes everything problematic and even conflicting.

They knew all about this in Asian dharma traditions. By setting up forms and norms, they set up boundaries. Personally I never had problems with boundaries because I've learned the traditional ways (incl. etiquette, code of respect, senior-junior, methodology and hard training) since I was a child but in my lack of understanding spiced with the Western spirit of invention (arrogance?), I questioned if dharma could be boiled down to the bare essentials. It worked great but then I started seeing the cracks, actions and decisions by my students that seemed stoopid, immature and disrespectful. At first I had no idea what was wrong but then I started realising that they lacked the context. My students had realised emptiness, traversed through all the bhumis but their "realization" looked only partially like mine. That's because most of you were never exposed to the above mentioned traditional ways.

It is true that I never formally taught a course entitled "The six paramitas". I never gave you a list of them or other similar expositions, and explained to you how all things in life can and should be tied together in the context of dharma practice. Having said that, I've spoken about all of it all the time. I've taught about ethics, lifestyle, work, family-life, patience and generosity. I've even lead pointing out sessions where you tie all these things with one's recognition of the natural state. And yet, I can say that none of my students got and understood what I've pointed out, told them and first and foremost exemplified with my daily example, be it online or in person. When I've said that my students haven't been listening, this is what I've meant. You heard some, the bits about meditative practice but missed most of the rest. Ay yay yay, you missed a lot. I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just stating what you got and didn't get.

I've told my students for many years to go and study with other teachers, especially if you/they have hard time getting my teaching. I've said that I don't teach the very basics and of course I don't teach the dharma like most other teachers do. But now that my style, in my view, has turned out to be so insufficient and incomplete, the method needs to be changed quite significantly so that students get taught and develop understanding from those traditional or Asian aspects of dharma, or what you might call the other paramitas than meditative (dhyana paramita). Yeah, despite of having more than a dozen students who've realized the full scope of emptiness, I don't see the perfection of wisdom (prajna paramita) in you because you say and do things that in my view are stoopid, immature and disrespectful. I am not calling anyone stoopid, I am just saying that your realization doesn't look like mine and you don't feel the same as I do, except partially. I admit that at this stage of my dharma work, I feel I have failed but fortunately there is still time to rectify these mistakes and better the method before I die.

Back to your comment.

Reg making dharma friends. I have learned the hard way how westerners misunderstand and misinterpret their relationship with a western master. Again, I could say that this happens because you're not hearing me well, and additionally because you're not meeting me in person (or do so too rarely) or living with me. Karl, the Lion of Norway, is still the only one whose ever lived with me and because of that he knows my pulse the best.

My view of friendship is like I described above. If you don't meet me and get to know me in person, friendship between us won't develop. I would even say that not meeting my students in person sabotages my dharma transmission (again) because dharma transmission is much more than just pointing out the nature of mind.

As a person, I am not above you. As people, we are equal. In dharma, mutual respect between teachers and students is essential. Just like in all relationships, one might feel uncertain, doubtful or scared to say something but it is only a sign of understanding what a true friendship is when you speak your mind even when you might not feel that comfortable doing that. You've seen me do that so many times. I'm not going to have my students be disrespectful or offensive towards me anymore (one of my problems because of my western democratic mind) and I am learning to set my boundaries as a teacher of tantra, but if I sense your sincerity and honesty, it will be OK.

Baba, 25.10.22

Be yourself, find your own way

 

Be yourself, find your own way

For few months, I haven't been that active in facebook. I've taken time off to contemplate my public persona. Some of my students left and some were upset about my various posts at various places. I know I have made comments that were contradictory and make jokes that are harsh, and in general say things that are direct. Apparently that Finnish directness is interpreted as aggressiveness by some non-Finns.

At first I felt that I'll just stop saying what I really think. I've tried that for a while now... and yeah, that hasn't felt good. If you've ever tried censoring yourself, you'll know that it will make you feel like shit. It takes the life and joy out of you. I can't do that, even with the cost of loosing some students or some people getting upset. Many years ago I was adviced to "be yourself, find your own way" by one of my gurus. It's one of the best advices I ever got.

It sounds crazy that someone like me who can teach everything about wisdom practices and who should be able to say a thing or two based on my life experiences, has to try self-censorship in trying to find out a way to not make people upset but that's what I had to do. Like with everyone else, there is an exchange between myself and others and back, and this time I was in this situation when I had to go into this territory. I could do with people and my students not loving me but when I feel not even being liked, it makes you feel strange. I've asked myself if I really am a very difficult and unpleasant person to be around with.

There are countless dharma stories of students who couldn't deal with their masters and left. I can say for certain that very few people would be willing and ready to study with someone like Guru Rinpoche. Most people just couldn't deal with him or masters like him because they are very demanding and uncompromising. If Padmasambhava was here now, people would be red flagging and stigmatising him as a reckless abuser, all over the place on internet forums. Yup, he'd be crossing people's boundaries on daily basis and they wouldn't be able to take it. You know, he was actually and actively involved with an assassination plot. Most buddhists past or present would never approve that.

Sometimes I wonder if all the modern things and easy lifestyle has made things better or worse for dharma. Sometimes I think that modern people have become like big babies who say they're after the truth but are actually just spiritual materialists. Oh gosh, I miss the old days. And I actually miss the Asian ways because sometimes this overtly touchy-feely leftist "Western dharma" is just too much to deal with.

I've seen it countless times that especially towards a Western teacher, Western students loose their ability to listen fast when their Western worldview and values are questioned. People approach the dharma with the same view as they approach everything else in life. People wear the dharma like they wear cheap jewelry. It is not serious enough. Not enough hardships and setbacks. Not enough humbling experiences. Not enough dead ends and despair.

Anyway.

In the middle of all this I've contemplated something Yogananda wrote in his autobiography about his guru, Sri Yukteswar. He wrote that had Sri Yukteswar been less direct, he'd have probably been the most sought after guru in all of India. Apparently the Lion of Bengal was also direct and didn't save his words. I would choose him as my guru any day for the fact that he was enlightened.

Spirituality (skt. dharma) cannot be separated and isolated from the rest of the world. There is no "pure spirituality" that is separate from people and their/our lives and our experiences but there is this persistent belief that such "pure and clean spirituality" exists because there are so many teachers who never loose their pretense and self-censorship. I feel bad for saying this but someone's got to say it because it doesn't sit right with me that people are fed such childish fairytales.

Spirituality is all about people, their lives, their stories, their experiences and their expression, and that's a lot of different feels, tones and hues.

If being me shoots me in the foot in terms of popularity, so be it, but for my own truth's sake, I have to be and express things in a way that feels right to me.

With you,

Baba, 20.10.22

When Yogis Laugh

 

When Yogis Laugh

I remember having tea or lunch at Terayama Sensei's home. He'd sit on the other side of the table, making slurping and chewing sounds. As he ate and drank, his lips would move together with his cheeks. Watching him do this I thought that the foods and beverages didn't taste even nearly as good in my mouth as they did in his! He was able to enjoy shamelessly and full-heartedly what was in front of him.

When people eat good food, they say, "Oh wow, this is good..." and munch it. They raise their glasses for good wine. Over urinals, men grunt with the relief. People, when having orgasms, let out animalistic sounds. When they laugh, there is sound. But all these are typically tame. There is always a lid of fear, insecurity, doubt or shame attached to these moments. Yogis and yoginis don't have these burdens or at least have less of them. When yogis grunt over urinals, it is like New Year's fireworks. When yoginis have orgasms, it is like the last long note sung by Goddess Sarasvati herself. When yogis laugh, the voice echoes into the eternity never dying down. It is true.

Baba, 6.10.22