Without Unfinished Business
I still like sitting down for meditation. On maybe half of the mornings I intend to sit for sometime but I might forget or get distracted by something so on most days I don't sit or practice at all. Sitting or not sitting, my state remains without change or interruption. People tell me I radiate soft blessings, sometimes fierce power. From existential perspective, it's all the same but from the perspective of having a purpose the situation isn't ideal.
If I ask myself what would I do if I had no responsibilities, one thing that comes into my mind would be to go into retreat. I'd love to live in seclusion again in the sunny mountains somewhere. I'd do what yogis and siddhas have done for ages, basically just be a bum in a gorgeous view.
I remember those days from my past lives like it happened yesterday. I don't really miss that lifestyle but at present being without purpose most of the time it'd definitely be more enjoyable. With responsibilities I refer to my children and my position as the head teacher of Pemako. I love my children and I will stay close to them until they grow a bit bigger but being a part-time dad, not being with them most of the time, I start thinking of other options.
In one sense I have already fulfilled my purpose towards my students. They now have clear instructions and a proven path to follow. They seem to have very little use for me anymore. That is fine but it makes me wonder why I am here and if my time would be better used somewhere else. Maybe in retreat just sitting in samadhi for years and years, maybe as a wandering monk or maybe doing something else.
I used to have a clear plan how things would go at work or how I'd like them to go but these dreams just never seem to begin actualizing. Maybe they still will but at the same time, due to the yogic habit formations from many past lives, I automatically start thinking of long retreats, as there isn't much happening in the external world where I'd be really needed.
Maybe in a year or two I'll pack my bag, head towards the mountains and you'll never see me again. Knowing that I have fulfilled my duty as a dharma teacher, I'd go without unfinished business.
KR, 18.2.2022
