Be yourself, find your own way
For few months, I haven't been that active in facebook. I've taken time off to contemplate my public persona. Some of my students left and some were upset about my various posts at various places. I know I have made comments that were contradictory and make jokes that are harsh, and in general say things that are direct. Apparently that Finnish directness is interpreted as aggressiveness by some non-Finns.
At first I felt that I'll just stop saying what I really think. I've tried that for a while now... and yeah, that hasn't felt good. If you've ever tried censoring yourself, you'll know that it will make you feel like shit. It takes the life and joy out of you. I can't do that, even with the cost of loosing some students or some people getting upset. Many years ago I was adviced to "be yourself, find your own way" by one of my gurus. It's one of the best advices I ever got.
It sounds crazy that someone like me who can teach everything about wisdom practices and who should be able to say a thing or two based on my life experiences, has to try self-censorship in trying to find out a way to not make people upset but that's what I had to do. Like with everyone else, there is an exchange between myself and others and back, and this time I was in this situation when I had to go into this territory. I could do with people and my students not loving me but when I feel not even being liked, it makes you feel strange. I've asked myself if I really am a very difficult and unpleasant person to be around with.
There are countless dharma stories of students who couldn't deal with their masters and left. I can say for certain that very few people would be willing and ready to study with someone like Guru Rinpoche. Most people just couldn't deal with him or masters like him because they are very demanding and uncompromising. If Padmasambhava was here now, people would be red flagging and stigmatising him as a reckless abuser, all over the place on internet forums. Yup, he'd be crossing people's boundaries on daily basis and they wouldn't be able to take it. You know, he was actually and actively involved with an assassination plot. Most buddhists past or present would never approve that.
Sometimes I wonder if all the modern things and easy lifestyle has made things better or worse for dharma. Sometimes I think that modern people have become like big babies who say they're after the truth but are actually just spiritual materialists. Oh gosh, I miss the old days. And I actually miss the Asian ways because sometimes this overtly touchy-feely leftist "Western dharma" is just too much to deal with.
I've seen it countless times that especially towards a Western teacher, Western students loose their ability to listen fast when their Western worldview and values are questioned. People approach the dharma with the same view as they approach everything else in life. People wear the dharma like they wear cheap jewelry. It is not serious enough. Not enough hardships and setbacks. Not enough humbling experiences. Not enough dead ends and despair.
Anyway.
In the middle of all this I've contemplated something Yogananda wrote in his autobiography about his guru, Sri Yukteswar. He wrote that had Sri Yukteswar been less direct, he'd have probably been the most sought after guru in all of India. Apparently the Lion of Bengal was also direct and didn't save his words. I would choose him as my guru any day for the fact that he was enlightened.
Spirituality (skt. dharma) cannot be separated and isolated from the rest of the world. There is no "pure spirituality" that is separate from people and their/our lives and our experiences but there is this persistent belief that such "pure and clean spirituality" exists because there are so many teachers who never loose their pretense and self-censorship. I feel bad for saying this but someone's got to say it because it doesn't sit right with me that people are fed such childish fairytales.
Spirituality is all about people, their lives, their stories, their experiences and their expression, and that's a lot of different feels, tones and hues.
If being me shoots me in the foot in terms of popularity, so be it, but for my own truth's sake, I have to be and express things in a way that feels right to me.
With you,
Baba, 20.10.22
