T's
awakening
T: >I was reluctant to
contact you for guidance, as I was not sure how intensive the
guidance process is nor how long it would take, but it may be time to
jump in and see what it's about. Before we begin, do I need to take
off of work (kind of retreat-style) to complete this guidance
process?
Kim: - Ordinary daily life is the best.
>FYI, here is the
rundown of my situation: I have been following your two-part analysis
for awakening, and I have run into somewhat of a wall. It seems so
obvious that the self is a mind-body fabricated sensation. This
feeling is amplified by Part 2 of the analysis. When I am in
Part 1 (direct observation), I cannot see a self because I am busy
just being with sounds/sensations. When I look for a self, of
course the mind fabrication of self is there, because I am looking.
So, I try to wake up to the fact that there is obviously not a self
by just being with the sensations. Unfortunately, after a while
of peace and generally pleasant feeling, my heart begins to race, my
body begins to shake and twitch (mostly in the groin muscles, sides
and upper back muscles), thoughts arise about what is happening, and
I eventually lose the ability to stay with the sensations due to
their amplitude. At that point, going back to Part 2 makes the
twitching/shaking worse, so essentially I quit. This process
usually takes around 20-30 minutes of going back and forth between
parts before it gets too much to handle.
I'm not sure what to do at
this point, maybe I am going about Part 1 incorrectly, or maybe I
should just keep doing what I'm doing and try to be with the
sensations, no matter how severe.
I'd appreciate your help.
Thanks
- Thank you for your post. Sure, we can do it. But it'll be about 2 weeks from now when we can begin because I'm busy teaching/travelling until then. Until then you can prepare yourself by reading the Awake-book and trying the two part formula on your own. Also you can find a lot to read from the Open Heart-blog. And in case you are at Facebook, befriend me there and I'll add you to a group, Awakening and Great Perfection, where these things have been discussed. Prepare well so that you're ready when we begin daily messaging. When it's time to begin, I'll email you.
- Thank you for your post. Sure, we can do it. But it'll be about 2 weeks from now when we can begin because I'm busy teaching/travelling until then. Until then you can prepare yourself by reading the Awake-book and trying the two part formula on your own. Also you can find a lot to read from the Open Heart-blog. And in case you are at Facebook, befriend me there and I'll add you to a group, Awakening and Great Perfection, where these things have been discussed. Prepare well so that you're ready when we begin daily messaging. When it's time to begin, I'll email you.
After a few
days
>You may have another
tally to add to your number of awakenings using the 2-Part analysis!
Of course, there is still a measure of doubt, so I'd still like to
correspond with you about it in a week or so when you are free.
- Oh. Really? Tell me what
is different? What happened? Are you sure? And include photos,
please. Sounds wonderful, of course.
After
checking T's photograph
- Yes, that's it. Wonderful! Congratulations! I'll comment below to what you wrote.
>I'm sure something is different... but only subtly. It happened last night after a week of watching sensations associated with I/me that I felt identified with. The last two days were the worst with growing frustration that I still felt identification with I/me sensations, even though I thought I knew better intellectually. There was a feeling of anguish in my heart (and left arm) that has been there since three days ago, though it would sometimes be a feeling of dread or mild fear in my gut/throat/legs.
- It is not a dramatic flashy thing. Rather, awakening is a disappearance of a stone from one's shoe. Then it just feels natural. Sense of freedom, sense of openness. What you experienced with frustration and anguish is very common. It's just the bundle of conditioning, "I", becoming untied.
>Last night, I gave up reaffirming I/me sensation. I just sat and watched it. I had the thought: So what if it is here...what if the peace I'm looking for is here anyway, even if I feel like there is a me/I? Then there it was...the identification with the anguish slipped away and I could feel the ever-accessible peace, which is always here now. It's even here this morning, which is new for me. I'm used to it being gone when I wake up the morning after a jhana meditation. My perception seemed wider somehow, even though it wasn't, and my heart was pounding with the fear sensation, but it didn't matter.
- Yes. After awakening it's always there. Even with strong emotions, that can and do arise after awakening, it's much easily accessed, which makes all the difference. It's a permanent shift. I'm glad for you.
>What's cool is that the anguish sensation is still in my heart...but I don't care about it. It is just a sensation. I feel like me, but the suffering from the feelings is gone. I'm trying not to use meditation jargon, because it always makes me suspicious of claims of this or that when they are overused, but suffering feels like the right word to use. That's gone.
I apologize that I don't have a good picture from before starting the analysis. I had planned on taking it before starting the guidance, haha, and I don't take selfies. Here is one from this morning (attached).
- Exactly! Mental and emotional stuff does still arise but as there is no one to react to it, it's significantly different. This in turn allows for seeing all that anguish or whatever emotions in a different way. Clear seeing (vipashyana) becomes easy, even effortless. Mindstuff is released the moment they arise.
- It varies how long the honey moon lasts after awakening. With meditation background, what you have, it is probably longer than without any previous practice. Good. Enjoy it while it lasts! However, sooner or later stuff comes up from the subconscious mind. For this (mind purification) you need solid samatha-vipashyana practice, whether theravadan or tantric style.
- You are third case who by preparing for guidance to awakening got awakened. No need to do the guidance anymore. I'm so happy to hear that this happened. It shows that the formula works precisely as it should.
- Congrats again!
