Finding My Way Again
”Be yourself, find your own way”
- Babaji
I've focused 100% on dharma for the past 20 years, for my entire adulthood. I had little room for anything else in my mind and daily life because I felt everything in life was so off due to the self-centered poison in my system, that I had no other choice except to focus on dharma. Then, for the past year that's been suddenly, though not unexpectedly, gone...
During this time I've gone through a process asking myself what to do next, what to do with my life and how to express who I am. I've been so focused on my training and finishing it that I never thought of what I'd do after it... So I needed some time and let whatever inspiration was coming find me. It took its time but finally it arrived.
Some might expect me to present some spiritually enlightened plans and visions about what I'm planning to do next but sorry, I don't have anything like that to say. Of course, I keep on teaching the dharma and hope to further the teachings of the buddhas in this world in all and any ways available to me but this is not all there is to my personal life. My personal inspirations are very worldly and ordinary, even materialistic. So I'm glad that materialism and tantra fit well together! :)
So, here are my plans.
I want to get a driver's license and buy a car. I've been drooling at Dodge Challengers driving past me the last 10 years so I will buy one, a red one, and learn to drive it well. I'll stop at gas stations to fill it up and listen to loud rock music driving it. I'll take the people I love out for drives, maybe drive to Lapland in the Summer. I've never experienced these things before! It will be a perfect expression of buddhanature, radiation of immaculate purity. The buddhas of the three times will rejoice driving with me!
I also want to get a motorcycle, a black Harley Davidson Sportster with a dharma scorpion painted on its tank. I will learn the basics of fixing the engine and all that, that I am completely and happily clueless about at present. I've driven bikes as a kid but never as an adult. It will be a new thing, something new and fresh! I'll drive that thing and no doubt it will be a perfect expression of buddhanature, dance of the buddha spirits - dakas and dakinis – that will make my guru proud of his son.
Thirdly, I'll get my eyes fixed and start brazilian jujutsu. I've wanted to learn bjj for a long time but couldn't due to various reasons. I'll start bjj as a white belt and unavoidably get humbled a lot. But I want to become good at it, like I have in dharma and other arts that I've studied. A new art to learn, new things to experience! Laughter of million peaceful and wrathful buddhas in a single breath, in a sneer, in joy, in pain, in dread!
Finally, I want to start shooting guns. Handguns, shotguns, rifles, precision shooting... All these things, driving cars, motorcycles, martial arts and shooting guns I've done as a kid. They are common things that people do, yet new to me.
I never thought of doing these things before but now that I've been faced with the question of how to live my life, these are the things that I feel drawn to.
And so I have found my way again.
Dudjom Kim, 10.3.2022
