Chris’s
Guidance to Awakening
*This
guidance took place over a period of 7 days*
I
am writing to inquire about guidance to awakening.
I
first heard about the 2PF on Reddit about a year ago via the
r/streamentry subreddit. I have been practicing meditation on and off
since I was 16 (almost 20 years, now), but more seriously over the
past few years. I have some experience in Vipassana, Zen, and
Vajrayana traditions and have practiced with a few sanghas but have
never formally had a teacher.
Recently
I became more interested in the 2PF. I am about half way through
reading the Awake! book and have been practicing the 2PF for 30
minutes a day for the last 10 days. I have had some interesting
experiences so far and am eager to deepen the practice. I have also
listened to Kim's guided meditation on Insight Timer and watched a
number of the testimonial videos that are on YouTube.
Please
let me know what I will need to do in order to undertake guidance at
this time, if such is available.
Thank
you.
Karl:
Hi
Chris,
Good to hear from you. I’d be happy to help you out.
It is good that you have many years of practice under your belt, it
should make things easier.
We usually recommend people
familiarise themselves with the 2pf for about two weeks before
starting, but I’m happy to start straight away. Shall
we?
Chris:
I just
completed my morning meditation (30 minutes). This is day 12 of
practicing with the 2PF for me, though only 1 session per day up till
now. If you are interested, I kept a journal of my experiences so
far, which I can send to you, or provide a summary.
Today
(as in the past couple of days) I have had a harder time bringing up
clear physical sensations in the I-based mode. I am trying to affirm
'I, I, I' quite strongly and with some emotion of frustration or
vexation. I have to keep my voice low because I live in a large
apartment complex, however, so sometimes it is more like a stage
whisper. Currently, the 'I' feels like it is located in or behind the
face, especially the eyes and cheeks. It appears to be centered right
in between my eyebrows. In fact, over the past couple of days, I have
had less and less physical sensations in response to the
affirmations. Between the eyebrows, there is a mild feeling of
pressure and sometimes tingling. Instead of a tight ball of energy,
it feels wispy and diffuse. These sensations are subtle and therefore
more difficult to follow. Sometimes I feel a bit of frustration that
I am having a hard time with the technique or that more isn't
happening. I feel the frustration or impatience in my chest and
stomach, but then if I ask myself, "Who is feeling frustrated,"
it comes back to the point between the eyes.
Karl:
Very good.
Most people end up between the eyebrows, and it is totally normal
that the sensations vary in intensity. The fact that it is getting
weaker or more subtle is because you have been peeling the layers off
it, just like peeling an onion. Ground yourself properly in the
clarity of the I-less mode, so that your sensitivity to the change
between the two modes increases. Forget about "more things
happening" just work with what it taking place each moment.
Everything sounds normal from your description, so there is no need
to worry. One last point is that you don't have to say the
affirmations out loud. All that matters is that you mean it when you
say it. Another trick can be to remember specific memories that
trigger the I-sensation strongly.
Chris:
During the I-less mode, I can mostly relax the body, and I have been
trying to let my mind just melt into the parts of the body as they
relax. I'm not totally sure that I understand the instructions for
the I-less mode, or that I am doing it right. I do feel generally
relaxed and spacious, but I am not sure I am reaching a true I-less
state, because when I ask myself, "Where am I?" the
attention will zoom right back to being behind the face. Does that
make sense?
Karl:
Also normal.
Forget about reaching the "true I-less state" and just
marinate in the relaxation and spaciousness. Another word for
spaciousness is knowingness. Knowingness refers to the fact there
there is absolutely no effort involved in feeling the natural
sensations of the body. There is no doing there, there is just
automatic, spacious knowing. And this knowing is completely natural
and ordinary, no fireworks at all. So let go of the "trying"
and just marinate in the natural relaxation. And don't bring up the
"I", in the middle of the relaxation as that will bring you
to the second mode. Take your time, several minutes.
Chris:
In my daily life, I have been feeling pretty good, overall. I am
working full-time from home (due to the coronavirus) and just moved
into a new apartment, so I have a lot of things on my to-do list, and
certainly some stress. But I feel pretty resilient, and have very
positive interactions with others. I do notice the 'I' coming up in
my daily life, although perhaps more object-I than subject-I. For
example, if I get a stressful email at work, I can watch the wave of
anxiety rise and fall in my stomach. Or sometimes in work meetings, I
notice myself wanting others to perceive me in a positive way.
Karl:
Stressful can be good as it gives us an opportunity to study the "I".
If anxiety etc comes up, simply trace it back to the root, the
subject, what grasps or hangs onto the sensations.
Chris:
Last night I had a strange little experience. I woke up either in a
dream (a moment of lucidity) or just after a dream. When I noticed I
was conscious, I looked for the 'I' and, for a moment, there was
nothing there. I fell back asleep soon after this. This morning,
things seem to be normal.
Karl:
Sounds like a glimpse to me. Very normal but a good sign indeed. Keep
on going!
Chris:
Thank you for
your feedback. I am doing the 2PF twice per day now for 30 minutes
each time. Last night was my first evening session, and I found
myself feeling a bit sleepy. I wonder if it would be better for me to
do my second meditation right after work/before dinner, rather than
before bed? I also wondered if it would be better for me not to drink
during the guidance? Normally I have a beer with dinner, and I just
want to make sure that will not interfere with my meditation in the
evening.
Karl:
It doesn't really matter when you practice as long as you stick to
the two daily sittings. If you find that you are too tired in the
evening, feel free to experiment with a different schedule. As for
drinking a beer or two, I don't see that it would be much of a
problem in general, but again you have to see if it affects your
ability to process.
Chris:
In last night's meditation, I again had only subtle sensations,
mostly centred between the eyebrows. I tried your suggestion of
bringing up memories related to the self. I ended up bringing up a
bunch of memories in rapid succession, including many of the things
in my life that were most painful to the 'I.' This intensified the
sensations somewhat, but not as much as I expected. Occasionally I
still have feelings of tightness around the solar plexus--almost like
a band of pressure that goes around my torso, but mostly it is all
centred between the eyebrows.
Karl:
Alright. As long as there is something that arises that can be
studied, it is not a problem that it is more subtle. Also, if other
sensations in the body are stronger than behind the eyes after
affirmation, do check them out. Always go to the strongest sensation,
regardless of where it is.
Chris:
In the I-less mode, I have been able to notice that there is no self
required for sensory perception. As you said, awareness is already
effortlessly aware of body sensations, sounds, objects in the visual
field, and so on. The self is extra.
Karl:
Very good. You are clearly getting an experience of it. Keep
marinating.
Chris:
I also noticed this as I took a walk after work yesterday. For
several minutes, I was able to sink into this sense of not needing to
do anything or think anything... just kind of allowing life to flow
through me. There was a sense of peace, but still on a relative
level. My thinking mind was kind of sputtering like an engine low on
gas. Also, a few times during the day, I noticed myself thinking
about something (my typical inner narrative) while my body was
effortlessly executing some task without needing to think about
it--like making a cup of tea. It made me realize that all that
thinking and narrative is so unnecessary.
Karl:
Good.
Chris:
This morning's meditation was about the same, except with less
sleepiness and more clarity. I am trying to really study the
sensations between the eyebrows, though without trying to force
anything.
Karl:
You are doing great. Just keep grounding yourself in the effortless
clarity of the first mode, before bringing that clarity to whatever
sensations arise after the affirmation.
Chris:
I am trying to take your advice and really ground myself in the
I-less mode before applying myself to the affirmations. I think up
till now, I have leaned a little more toward the I-based mode because
of my eagerness to study the I and to "finish the job." But
I realize the modes are equally important.
Karl:
Yes, exactly. It is very common to focus too much on either one, but
if you focus too much on the I-based mode you will not have clarity
and get lost in identification with what arises. If one focuses too
much on the I-less one will not able to weed out the root of the
problem. Always both modes.
Chris:
But I realize the modes are equally important. In any case, I'm still
not 100% sure I'm doing the I-less mode correctly. When I release a
tension in the body, I seem to feel some warmth or vibration, rather
than an empty space. I have just been letting my mind feel that, and
continuing to move through the body. Sometimes once I've gone through
several spots in the body, I do feel a kind of space open up--as if
I'm sitting in the middle of a big, dark cavern. It is a generally
peaceful and spacious feeling.
Karl:
Spaciousness or openness are just metaphors that specifically convey
the lack of contraction, lack of self-hood. We are not necessarily
talking about a big empty space (i.e. 3-dimensional space) etc. The
warmth and vibration that you describe are perfectly valid
descriptions of the I-less mode. Sometimes we can have "deeper"
experiences as you describe, but just keep doing what you do without
expecting anything. Do the sensations you experience when letting go
feel more natural than the tensions? Freer?
Check.
Chris:
When I go into the I-based mode, the affirmations are still bringing
up quite subtle responses. I'm paying attention to all the body
sensations that come up--not just between the eyes. But that is still
where I feel it most strongly. The area of the sensations is quite
small, about the size of an American quarter-dollar coin. If I had to
describe the shape, it feels like a couple of strands of energy that
are tied together--like a knot that has already been loosened
somewhat--and turning and twisting around in space. The feeling is
one of tingling or energy, sometimes a mild pressure. I have been
feeling the same sensation come up a few times, walking around in my
daily life. It grows stronger the more attention I pay to it.
Karl:
If the sensations between the eyes are the strongest after doing the
affirmation, then zoom into it and study it as closely as possible.
Really get on the inside of it.. Does it have a centre?
Chris:
A few times in my sitting meditations, I have noticed my mind
wandering a bit. Much less than in other types of meditation I've
practiced, but it is still there. Any tips on how to deal with this?
I've tried Kim's advice of saying "Ha, ha!" or "Ho,
ho!" sharply, and that seems to work at least temporarily.
Karl:
The shouting of "Ha's" and "Ho's" is what I
usually recommend if the wandering hinders the process. If a few reps
don't do the trick, then you can try shouting it rythmically for
longer. Like 30 seconds or so. That usually does it. Only use it to
cut through to the first mode, though, not when studying the "I".
Chris:
I do notice that my narrative self is still quite active--always
telling the story of what I'm doing, what I'm going to do next and so
on. It even tries to co-opt awakening, like "Now I'm doing the
guidance with Karl... I wonder if the process will work... If I do
get awakened, it will be interesting to try the Rainbow Body Yoga,
that sounds enjoyable..." and other such stuff.
Karl:
Nevermind, leave it be. Thoughts aren't really a problem when
processing the 2PF, unless of course it's buzzing to the point where
there is no focus.
Chris:
Sorry for the length of my emails--if you have any feedback on how to
make my reporting most effective (as well as my meditation), please
let me know. Thank you again for your time.
Karl:
As long as you are on point, which you are, the longer emails are no
problem. Try out the things mentioned above and let me know how it
goes. You don't have anything to worry about with regards to how the
process is unfolding. Go on!
Chris:
Thanks for
your advice about the I-less mode, I feel less worried now that I am
doing it wrong. I am relaxing the body and mind, and it certainly
feels freer and more spacious than the I-based mode. In the I-based
mode, when I do the affirmations, the sensations that come up are
still centred between the eyes. It is mostly a feeling of pressure,
now. On the other hand, I also sometimes feel like "I" am
in the space behind the eyes. Is there a distinction between these
two phenomena?
Karl:
Good to hear about the I-less mode. The I-less mode is the true
nature of sensations, of being, so it is hard to "do" it
wrong if you simply stop doing so much and relax with what is… As
for the "I" behind the eyes, whenever it feels that way,
you should investigate it. Try this technique (similar to what you
describe that you do in everyday life) when sitting as well.. Like
this:
Recognise
the feeling of "me" looking out from behind the eyes.
Usually when we look at some object there is a clear direction from
behind the eyes and outwards. Notice this clerly. Then trace back
along the opposite direction, all the way back to the "root"
of seeing, the perceived "seer" in the space behind the
eyes. Is there anybody in there? Anything solid? Let me know how it
goes.
Chris:
Last night's meditation I was a little tired, but sinking into the
I-less mode felt a bit more natural. As I relaxed into the body,
there were times when the body felt very large, like it was taking up
all the space in my awareness. That was interesting.
Karl:
Sounds good, keep relaxing into it without expectations.
Chris:
This morning, I had a little more trouble with monkey mind; thoughts
coming up unrelated to the meditation. I dealt with these with a few
'ha's and 'ho's. Very little sensation coming up in response to the
affirmations, so it was hard to investigate. Sometimes when this
happens I've been asking, "Who is it that's frustrated?"
and that brings me back to the feeling of 'I.'
Karl:
It seems to be a pattern that after very clear experiences like the
ones you describe from the night before, the mind will get stirred
and become more unruly. Nothing to worry about, just keep cutting
through.
Chris:
I have tried the technique of looking behind the eyes, and it's
interesting... again, there is just kind of the visual field (or
darkness, if I have my eyes closed) and hearing. It feels like there
is just a sense of 'presence' back there, but the presence still
feels kind of centered in my head. There are very few thoughts when I
put my attention there, but it seems to take effort... after a few
seconds the seeing process goes back to normal. Maybe I am crossing
my eyes a bit too when I do this? It's hard to describe.
Karl:
Right. Did you try it with eyes open? I think this technique is
easier if you have them open rather than closed. The idea is to see
whether there is really something solid there looking out onto the
«world» from behind the eyes. I know the feeling of crossing your
eyes, but that is not necessary. You trace the direction of seeing
back and look at «seer» with you attention rather than your
physical eyes.
Chris:
Yes, I have tried this multiple times with my eyes open now... I
cannot find anything solid. There is just seeing, hearing, and also a
nebulous cloud of physical body sensations. If I repeat I, I, I,
while paying attention to this space, it is just a sound. There is a
feeling of presence, or of looking from a certain perspective--maybe
the sense of self that remains to me is just an optical illusion
caused by the position of the eyes in the head/on the body? Or the
aggregation of seeing, hearing, and feeling so that it seems like
it's all happening in one place? But that is already too theoretical.
My
two most recent sits, last night and this morning, I have felt quite
sleepy. In the I-less mode, I can sink into the body sensations and
being in the moment. I noticed that when the body is aware of itself,
hearing feels effortless, too, and I am just kind of letting the
moment happen. The I-based mode is not so clear. Sometimes there are
mild physical sensations (between the eyes), sometimes there is
almost nothing, so that repeating 'I' feels like just making a sound
with my mouth and throat, kind of a futile gesture and a little funny
or ridiculous.
Karl:
Could you take
another picture of your face and send it along with the "before"
picture so I can have a look at where we are at? Your comment that
the "I" is just a sound makes me wonder if awakening might
have happened. Is there anything that "sticks" so to speak
when doing affirmations?
Chris:
Here you go.
*Photos
not published in accordance with the wishes of the participant*
Karl:
I suggest that you take a break from the 2PF and relax for a
few days. Notice how you feel in general, meeting other people, doing
everyday activities. I’ll message you in a few days to see how
you’re doing. OK?
Chris:
That sounds
like a good idea.
This
morning, in my meditation, there was almost nothing that came up in
response to the affirmations- it feels like the meaning of the words
I, me, and mine has worn out and there is a vague sense that I can't
tell who they are referring to. But I wonder if it's just from
repeating them so many times, as in Titchener's repetition? When I
asked, "Where am I?" and felt into it, there was some
pulsing and tingling at the point between the eyes. But it feels more
like 'I' am behind that, in the space of the head and the whole body,
as a kind of field of sensation. When I look into that though, there
is nothing really solid there, no 'self' that I can find, at least as
far as I can tell.
However,
off of the meditation cushion, I seem to feel normal. I will take a
break from the 2PF and let you know how the weekend goes.
Karl:
Sorry it took
me a while longer than planned to get back to you. How are you doing?
How did you feel not doing the 2PF? And have you tried the method
again since taking a break?
Chris:
No problem.
Thanks for writing back. I've had two weekend days and three workdays
to explore and evaluate. Something does feel different. Ever since
Friday (at least)... it's difficult to describe, but it feels like
the pressure is off. There is a kind of ease. I don't have the
pressure to be or do anything in particular. I do still have plenty
of thoughts, including self-oriented thoughts, but they don't have
the same pull for me--they feel like just a habit playing itself out.
I have even had feelings of anxiety in my body (on Monday, we went
back to the office after 2.5 months working from home) but they don't
bother me as much as usual. Meeting and interacting with people feels
quite easy.
I
had not meditated since Friday. This morning I did sit for 30
minutes, but not with the 2PF, just sitting and doing nothing. I did
notice some energetic activity around my ajna/third eye point during
the sit.
Throughout
this time, I have had a lot of thoughts like, "Wow, is this
really it? Has something really changed? I can't quite put my finger
on it." It seems possible that awakening has taken place. At the
same time, I do not want to call the game prematurely if I haven't
quite got it or if there is still more work to be done with the 2PF.
My experience seems similar to some of the stories in the Awake!
book, but also lacking some of the fireworks or romance of some of
the other stories. Anyway, the truth is more important to me than
clinging to any particular state or stage. I am grateful to you for
the guidance so far and curious to hear what you think.
Karl:
Good. Try the 2PF and let me know how it goes.
Chris:
I have tried the 2PF again the last two mornings. In response to the
affirmations, there either seems to be no response or some minor
energetic activity around the ajna chakra. There is no real sense of
tension, discomfort, or stuckness that I can discern. Should I keep
practicing the 2PF or leave it alone, at this point?
My
everyday life continues to feel oddly problem-free. There is a sense
of lightness. However, I do notice that my verbal mind is chattering
away as much as before (though the thoughts don't have the same kind
of emotional pull, perhaps).
Karl:
Yes. It was
already evident from your photos that awakening had taken place,
though as a policy I don't verify awakening unless the person
recognises it themselves. Your description is classic in that it is
not something "new" but just something dropping away.
That's it. That is awakening.
As
for the remaining existential confusion, in Pemako Buddhism we divide
the "selfing mechanism", the identification with passing
forms, into three parts: (1) the subject self; the "I", (2)
object selves; self-based thoughts, emotions and feelings, and (3)
substrate conciousnes; sublte states of dullness of mind. As you have
awakened to the truth of the emptiness of the first of these, the
path forward will be focused on realisation the empty nature of the
rest
If
you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask me.
Chris:
That is great
news! Haha.
Karl:
Yes, it is
indeed good news.
Chris:
Thank you. I truly appreciate your help in my awakening process. The
change feels subtle but significant. I feel like a thorn has been
removed from my foot--but one that's been there my whole life.
Karl:
You are very
welcome. It is wonderful to be in a position able to help other
people with this problem of problems. Besides, you were very easy to
work with as you did most of the job yourself. Cheers!
*
Relevant
links:
*
